Inspiration.  You know those days where you just feel inspired: To write. To create.  To love. To serve. To do. Something.  Yesterday was one of those days. 

But before we get to yesterday, let’s backtrack to a week ago.  About this time, I was asked a question: a question that would irritate, frustrate, motivate, and provoke me all at the same time. 

What do you do in your life that gives you purpose?

Oh boy.  I live every day for Jesus?  But what does that tangibly mean.  When I’m at work processing returned mail, am I really doing that for Jesus?  Do I really feel like I am making a difference and my life is overflowing with purpose?  The answer is no.  [Processing returned mail is quite possibly the worst thing I can think of doing all day, next to constantly informing people of the location of the nearest restroom, which seems to be another one of my job duties.]

Okay, so outside of my job.  What gives me purpose?  My friendships. My roommate. My family. My church.  But what am I doing?  What am I actively, tangibly, purposefully doing that gets me out of bed every day and makes me desire to live and be and love.  Or am I just floating along day by day not actively living out what I truly believe at my core to be my purpose on this earth.  What is that purpose anyway?  And how do I know? 

Oh the questions of life.

Anyway, this will come full circle, I promise.  So back to yesterday:

Yesterday I slept in as late as my body let me.  I went on a run for as far as I could, which wasn’t all too far, and I ended up walking probably half the time.  I came home to an apartment smelling like the perfect breakfast omelet and cup of coffee (thanks to my roommate, she’s a winner).  And I stumbled upon a blog.  Often times, I find a blog page, read a few lines, get bored, and move on with the million other things I should be doing.  However, once in a while, I stumble upon a gem (found here). 

Yesterday was one of those days.  I found a winner.  I spent at least an hour reading every single post, craving more of this captivating writing; getting so lost in each post that everything I “should be doing” didn’t need to be done anymore.  Maybe it was the writing.  Maybe it was due to the fact that the writer was one of my dearest friends during college and I was missing the days of dorm life and community unlike any other I have ever, and probably ever will, experience…but I digress.  Either way, I was inspired.

She wrote a three-post series inspired by a list.  The list begins: I AM AT MY BEST WHEN…  the instructions for this list were to create a list of when you are at your best.  She proceeds to write in her next two posts a list of what she does and does not do.  Lists of what make her who she is when she is at her best, and maybe when she is not.  Lists that are hard to make.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this gem of inspiration.  Today, I am inspired to build off of this gem and start my own list.  A list of what I do or do not do that makes me who I am.  Maybe a list of things, tangible things, that give me purpose (see, full circle).  Just a list.  I am a list maker (much like my sister.  We love lists – I always wanted to be just like her). 

Just as my sweet friend did, this will be a 3 part series.  Because if I started my list here, it would be long.  And probably no one would continue reading.  If anyone even is reading (other than my mother…thanks mom).  So stay tuned…lists are coming.

To a new year.  

To new possibilities.  

To new ideas.  

To new adventures.  

To new friends….

 But also to old friends that have stuck with me for so long.  To old memories that I will never forget.  To remembering people and places that have changed me for the better.  To continuing learning.  To appreciating this journey: past, present, and future.  Taking it one day at a time.

“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are meant to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what transpires in other sous so that you will never be surprised at what you come across.”

-Oswald Chambers: My Utmost for His Highest

I think it is sometimes easy to forget that God puts us in each situation of my life for a reason - whether I enjoy it or not.  He works everything for a purpose that is larger than myself.  Chambers later goes on to say something to the effect of this: being in relation with Christ is understanding those things, those bigger purposes, even if we do not understand them in the midst of it all.

A constant phrase I keep being reminded of is this:

I must become less; He must become more.

And He will make something beautiful out of me - out of my life.

Today I have [finally] begun the Himalayas video.  Going through all these pictures is making me nostalgic, happy, sad, proud, and so many other things.  I miss those 11 other people, India pants, Thomas, curry, the smolder, the prayer room, hikes in the rain, hot water bags, body spray to cover up the smell of sweat, my lion mane, losing sanity, regaining sanity, meeting people I’ll never forget, prayer flags, fasting and prayer, Gelnary’s, coffee for 30 rupees, and the list goes on.  Anyway, it’s begun. Hopefully I’ll be done with the slideshow/video soon.  Until then, here’s just a taste of India…

Tashi in Bhutan.

Jobin in Kolkata.

Loyda and Bernard at Daya Dan.

Thomas at Daya Dan.

I keep thinking I will be a consistent blogger.  Evidently that’s turning out to be false.  However, I did just spend the last 30 minutes getting paid (since I’m at work) to read my friends’ blogs.  I work until 6 pm every night.  But nothing really happens from 5-6. Hence, my personal affairs.  Today was a good choice.  Updates on thoughts and adventures of my friends is encouraging and inspiring.

As I said, I thought I would be consistent.  Two months ago.  Unfortunately, last time I blogged was when I was in Singapore on my way to India.  After that, I decided that being present in India was more important than spending time in front of a computer screen.  Then I got back…hello culture shock.  I jumped right into a job, praise the Lord I got a job, and here I am.

India was a trip.  I learned more in those 7 weeks than I have in quite a while.  My hope and prayer was to let myself go, to hold nothing back - to immerse myself in all the India had in store for me so that my heart would truly be left there.  And this happened.  My heart aches each and every day for India.  I think about Subani and Thomas throughout the day.  I miss meals with my team, even if it was curry, rice, boney chicken, and dahl.  I miss worship in the prayer room at the hotel with those 11 beloved people that became my family.  I miss that place.

But I came home to America, a place that is also dear to my heart with things like cheeseburgers, fresh fruit, pizza, and easy communication with friends and family.  I hoped to bring back everything I learned and apply it here.  Turns out that’s harder to do than I thought when I’m working a 9-6 job that has it’s own set of mundane activities mixed in with a lot of information, learning, and some downtime.  Rather than simply missing all that is India, I have been inspired to bring India back to America.  I’m slowly figuring out how to do that.  But I was inspired by my dear friend and “roomski,” Erica McCarthy.  In a post she mentioned being placed at her job to serve those who seemingly have it all.  Maybe in my secertarial job at Vanguard University, I can find a way to serve and work alongside the staff and students here throughout the consistent 9-6 workday.  I don’t know how yet, but it’s my mission to figure out how to bring my India to Vanguard.  Thank you friends for being my inspiration.  Thank you Erica for walking alongside me.  You are so treasured.

PS. photos and india stories to come. I hope. :)

My concept of time is screwed up, I don’t know what meal I’m supposed to be eating, and I haven’t showered in at least two days, but I am in SINGAPORE! This airport has everything: a movie theater, foot massages, a butterfly garden, a sunflower garden, and a Starbucks.  We are getting closer and closer to India, but for now we are on a 15 ish hour layover here.  I’m getting more and more excited, but more and more nervous.  The majority of the past two days has been spent in airplanes, but here are some pictures.

Dearest parents - I would not be here if it weren’t for you. Literally.  But also you made it possible for me to have this experience.  Words cannot express how thankful I am for your support and encouragement.  I love you momma and pops!

My buddy…Matt Okida. The other senior on this trip. The only other one crazy enough to put off getting a job and figuring out life for 6 weeks to go to India.  And another person who significantly contributed to me being here.  Without him, I could not do this trip. Honestly.

The sunflower garden…literally just a bunch of sunflowers.  But I do love them.  Tyler and I were out on this patio for probably 3 minutes before we started feeling sticky from all the humidity.  But it was totally worth it.

Seriously, beautiful. And peaceful. But so so hot.

Oh yeah…and I still love t-staff, even from Singapore :)

Owning a blog has always felt weird to me.  Writing in it feels even weirder.  It seems somewhat pretentious to me to post a blog on the internet because this implies that it is being posted for others to read.  But what if no one reads it?  Or what if what I write is not interesting enough to read…

Anyway, I own a blog. And this is it.  And now I’m starting to write in it. Again…

Just over a week ago, I graduated.  I dragged my feet, but that bittersweet day came and went whether I was ready for it or not.  I am no longer an undergraduate student.  APU is no longer my school.  Trinity, that place I called home for almost 3 years will no longer be my home.  Dorm life is a thing of the past, for now.  And my friends that I spent these years with in that sometimes beautiful and sometimes horrendously smoggy town of Azusa are now all over the world.  Graduation is a bitter thing.

But now, I get to move forward with my life.  I get to finally apply everything that I have learned and DO something with it (that is, once I get a job).  Now I get to enjoy life without papers and tests.  I get to travel.  I get to start being whatever it is I wanted to be when I “grew up.”  I will not be so spread thin, but I get to use my time to invest in a smaller amount of people and see the relationships that I have built for the past four years continue to grow and blossom in new ways, because this is, after all, a new chapter.  Graduation might be bitter, but it is so sweet.  It is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new chapter.

This new chapter begins with some goodbyes, some “see ya laters,” and some unknowns.  Perhaps the most exciting being a trip to India.  In just one week, I will board a plane and begin seven weeks of beauty, pain, excitement, and even more unknowns to add to the already giant question-mark of my life.  

I am excited, and I am content with this new chapter I am starting.  I am so thankful for those who have supported me (and put up with me) in the journey to get me to this chapter.  I am humbled by those that want to continue with me in this mystery of life.  And I am excited to turn the page and see some of the mysteries unfold.  Thank you for turning the page with me.

When I was little, my mom got me hooked on books.  I couldn’t get enough of them; I just wanted to read all the time.  I quickly realized that my favorite kind were the mystery books: the page turners that made me bite my nails (which I never do because it’s one of my biggest pet-peeves) and get nervous about what could happen on the very next page!

As I got older, my dad got me interested in even more mystery books.  I was intrigued.  I loved the page turning and the anxiety I felt at the close of each chapter, wanting to start the next but knowing that it would just leave me spiraling into this page turning-frenzy that never ends.  I would fall asleep in bed with the books open, often losing my place and waking up and immediately trying to figure out where I was so that I could continue with the riveting story, figuring out the little details along the way and trying to decipher how everything would end up.  Occasionally I might even cheat a little bit and read portions of the chapters at the end because I was so anxious to find out what would happen.  It ruins the excitement, I know…but I just wanted to figure it out so badly.

I used to love mysteries.  Used to.  Then I realized that sometimes I feel like life is a mystery: with my anxiety rising with each passing day.  Every time a chapter in my life closes, I feel that anxiety at leaving that comfort, excitement at starting the next chapter, yet scared and unsure of what the next chapter holds.  Sometimes it’s refreshing to have time between chapters to fully take in, process, examine, and appreciate everything that just happened.  However, that place right in between chapters can also become so uncomfortable: full of questions and wondering what just happened? What is about to happen?  And how long do I have to wait until I can start the next chapter?!  I sometimes get impatient and try to rush into things. 

I should appreciate the down time between chapters.  I know once the next chapter starts, it’s going to be that spiraling frenzy of days that will all seem to blur together.  All of a sudden, that chapter is going to be over and I’m going to wonder where all the days went: how I got through so many days so quickly.  I know I should appreciate the time between chapters since there can still be things to realize and learn before the next chapter begins.

I should appreciate the unknown, because someday it will become the known which will be great, but also potentially less exciting to be honest.  I think it’s good to embrace the uncertainties of today, even if they turn into faster heart beats, more crazy mind-wandering thoughts of the endless possibilities ahead, and no other place to turn than into full trust in a God who is greater than time itself.

I could cheat when I read books, and read the pages at the end before I arrived there.  Then it was almost like I was “all-knowing” while reading: knowing where everything would eventually end.  Too bad I can’t do that now.  There’s no way to flip through the years to see where I’ll end up.  But just as a book is better when you take it a page at a time, I guess life is better taking it a day at a time.

I just compared my life to books….I must be a huge nerd.

Hope. I am learning this.

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

I have hope.  I’ve felt overflowing joy.  I find peace.  I have hope.

“But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.” -Romans 8:25

There are many things I hope for.  Big things, small things.  I think God cares about even the most seemingly insignificant of our hopes. 

I dream big.  I think that God gives us the deepest desires of our hearts for a reason.  And I trust that I can prayerfully hope in them.  So I do.  Even if I do not see outcomes, even when it seems impossible, far fetched, or silly, I still hope.

I have hope. And I think that’s okay.